One of the red carpet hosts: “A lot of tweets coming in. There’s plenty to twitter about.” DIE, FAD, DIE!

Oh, Anne Hathaway—I wish I were a rich Italian super-criminal so that I could, like, make out with you or whatever.

What do ABC’s red carpet gay guys do the rest of the year? How do they make a living? One of them said that he liked Evan Rachel Wood’s dress but that she ultimately loses at the red carpet game because she was too conscious of the fact she had a dress on? What does that even mean?

Kate Winslet’s haircut courtesy of the movie Vertigo? The last time I saw that haircut, Jimmy Stewart was dating Carlotta Valdez—am I right, hair experts on Tumblr? Huh? Huh?

ABC’s guy: “Amy Adams, you’re competing against Marisa Tomei, who’s playing a topless stripper. Is that fair?” WHAT?!?

I love when the sad red carpet people try to compliment the non-famous people who are there with famous people. One guy told Frank Langella’s daughter, “You have a great father.” Another just told Richard Jenkins’s wife, “He must be great to live with.”

They’ve made the show slower than ever! They’re complimenting all of the nominees individually now?  Instead of Oscar clips, it’s just blowjobs from Whoopi Goldberg? What in the fuck? They acted in fucking movies—none of them fucking solved the Riemann hypothesis!

Yes! Steve Martin and Tina Fey! Scientology jokes! Why aren’t they hosting the Oscars?

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presenting the Oscar for…how’s Jennifer Aniston still famous? Really, I’m throwing that out there as a legitimate question.

Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston should make a buddy movie together—they’re completely awful, she’s inexplicably famous…and they fight crime!

Mr. Roboto!

There was a movie called the Duchess out this year? Really? I bet there wasn’t and they just make up one of these movies a year. “The Archduke” will win next year. It’s about an Archduke who’s sexually repressed, and it won’t actually exist, but it’ll win best costume. Start the whispering campaign now. The Archduke—best costume in 2009.

Ben Stiller doing Joaquin Phoenix! This is great. I don’t care if it’s fake or not, we all owe a debt of thanks to Joaquin Phoenix. It’s the best thing he’s ever done.

I liked when Franco and Rogen were giggling at the Reader…

Another musical number—finally, more Abba!

Does the Academy really not mind reminding people they gave an Oscar to Cuba Gooding Jr.? “Let’s talk about taking risks. I was in Boat Trip.”

Bill Maher! And he brought his unrelenting smugness!

AR Rahman! Not great at speeches, but still.

There are no surprises at the Oscars…laaaame.

Meryl Streep’s daughter—good lord!